(source)

It will be another year gone in merely minutes.  Perplexing how as you grow older the year just seems to disappear without a chance for you to comprehend what has happened.  Or perhaps this happens only when you’ve had a year like mine.

If you told me this time last year that I would find myself in the most livable city in the world, with a whole new set of friends, a slightly more different lifestyle, having dropped out of my program to pursue the same course in a different university then my jaw would have hit the floor out of shock. Or, remembering who I was just a year ago, laugh and shake my head in disbelief.

God has done the most interesting things to my life in the span of six months.  Even with this time to think, I’m not sure how to feel about having uprooted myself from the security of Adelaide—of the familiar and comfortable—to the whirlwind that is Melbourne.  However I did promise Him that I would stay open-minded.  And open-minded I will be.

I will—following my newly created tradition—have a little fun and look at the insane year that was 2011 with the help of Tumblr’s ever so faithful Archive feature (because I have such a poor memory xD).  There will be some laughter, pain and tears, all necessary in the reflection and growing up.  Here we go…

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New Discoveries

• SHOP
  Well, I do work in the busiest shopping centre in Melbourne now (36-hour Christmas season trade anyone?).  Apart from loving where I work, there are a couple of places I frequent.  I love Zetta Florence to bits and I’m so glad that they do discounts for people who work in the mall ^_^  Now I know where I’ll be getting my sketchbooks and wrapping paper!  Special mention to the awesomeness that is Happy Lab (I’m there so often that the workers actually know who I am xD).  Because of them I’ve got my workmates hooked on Cola flavoured jelly beans!
• WEB DESTINATION
  I’ve known about Photojojo (through Tumblr) for a while now, however I’m planning to get quite a few presents for friends in their shop some time soon so they definitely get a mention as a new discovery here.
• TV SHOW
  The Australian version of “The Amazing Race” :)  Props to those guys for having made it through because the challenges were even harder than the ones in the original American version.
• SKILL
  GLASSBLOWING!  Yes, this cool cat had the opportunity to take up a rare (and expensive, mind you) skill and learn how to blow hot glass as part of a uni free elective in the first semester of second year.
• PLACE
  There’s this quaint alleyway off Elizabeth street in the city (I don’t remember the name) but I’ve had breakfast and a wander there with some friends a couple of weeks ago and I’m looking forward to taking Ben to see it when he comes down from Rads.
• HANG OUT
  Koko Black.  I just checked out what I put under this heading last year and it’s also a chocolate place xD
• FOOD
  The Iced Chocolate from Koko Black.  Come see me in Melbourne and I’ll treat you to one ;)
• DRINK
  Teadrop’s Honeydew Green Tea
• BOOK
  “Reaching for the Invisible God” by Philip Yancey.  Absolutely changed my spiritual life.
• ARTIST
  Tyler Ward.  I’ve known about him for ages but didn’t get a chance to buy his music until just recently.  No regrets, folks!
• ALBUM
  “Let the Music Play” by Stan Walker.  I’m not a mainstream dance music fan but from time to time I make exceptions.  Especially if it’s for my favourite Idol winner ^_^

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Favourites of 2011

• WEB DESTINATION
  Tumblr :) Still.
• WEB SHOP
  Etsy.  Still xD  I’ve bought so many presents, make-up, clothes and what-not there and still find myself not only satisfied but with a need to rave about the coolest online community of artists and craftspeople in the world.
• WEBLOG
  Unka Glen.  The most inspiring, funny and real Christian brother I have ever had the pleasure of learning from and talking to.  If you aren’t following him, there is something terribly wrong that must be rectified.
• MUSICIAN/ARTIST
  I’ll say Blu Mar Ten (still), London Elektricity, Ella Fitzgerald, Tyler Ward and Stan Walker.  What?  I couldn’t just pick one!
• ALBUM
  “Let the Music Play” [Stan Walker]
• TV SHOW
  We got into Ugly Betty recently and I now rekindled my Eric Mabius crush xD
• FOOD
  Cola Jelly Beans from Happy Lab :3
• THING TO PASS TIME WITH
  Photoshop.  No joke, I can spend ages just playing around with one project!
• APP
  Ahh…I really love Incredibooth.  A good way to bring people together to be silly :D  Oohhh and Blueprint 3D!
• CARTOON
  Goofy.  He’s actually been my favourite original Disney character since I was a child.  Why else did I splurge a bit when I got paid and bought myself a classic Disney watch with Goofy on the face?  His arms are the hour and minute hands :D
• DRINK
  Honeydew Green Tea
• FILM
  “The King’s Speech”. I was beyond happy when they won all those Academy awards. It was also the first film I saw by myself in the cinema ^_^
• PIECE OF CLOTHING
  I’ve only worn it once this year but the red skirt with the black polka dots over a white crinoline that I donned for my 21st is my favourite piece of clothing.
• ACCESSORY
  Actually, there are three things I wear nearly every day now and they’re my favourite accessories: the Goofy watch (the strap is brown faded Italian leather), a turquoise ring set on a simple silver band given to me by my closest friends back in high school for my birthday and a pair of pearl earrings that my grandmother gave me two years ago.
• BOOK
  “Reaching for the Invisible God” by Philip Yancey
• SONG
  For awesome days: “Light It Up” - Stan Walker
  For rainy days: “Hide and Seek” - Imogen Heap (and just about every version of this song)
  When I need to fall apart for a while: “Between the Lines” - Sara Bareilles
  When I’m having an attitude: “Somebody That I Used to Know” - Gotye feat. Kimbra
  Zoning out: “Sweet Little Supernova” - Blu Mar Ten || “The Light” - Seba & Paradox featuring Kirsty Hawkshaw
  To escape: “Breathe Again” - Sara Bareilles || “Edge of Desire” - John Mayer
  When I want to belt out like a diva: “Galaxy” - Stan Walker and Jessica Mauboy

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Memorable Moments

• Our annual family Barossa trip.  Rest and relaxation.  And we hit some amazing cellar doors.  We even made the extra hour trip up to Clare Valley and came back with the most amazing whites.  Brought back a lovely dessert port for Tristan.  The drive back through Adelaide Hills brought us to Bird In Hand, which is now my favourite cellar door and winemaker when it comes to Rieslings and Traminers.  And bought the best Moscatos from Grand Burge (in my opinion) for friends we were going to visit in…
• Brisbane. Oh my goodness, the dreaded Queensland floods.  The people who lost their lives and homes.  As awesome as it was to visit friends there early in the year as well as hit the theme parks, the devastated people were never far from my thoughts and heart.
• Wet’n’Wild.  I have never loved a water park ride quite like “The Tornado”.  There’s a video somewhere of us hurtling down the tube, screaming our heads off.
• Warner Bros Movie World.  “The Superman Escape”  You’ve seriously got to try it.  Shooting up to sky from 0-100km in 2 seconds at a near 90 degree angle, I went on the ride twice (more if the lines weren’t so long :P) to quench my craving for roller coaster rides.  Royal Adelaide Show rides don’t even really constitute as a proper thrill ride.
• Dinner with Geoff and Yak in Brisbane. My favourite young married couple.  Very committed to each other and God.  I admire them so much and I’m glad that we have remained friends despite being swept up in the busy-ness of life.
• D’Arenberg. I went on a long lunch with my parents and it’s officially my favourite restaurant in McLaren Vale.  Their scallops are absolutely divine.  I was still dreaming about them days after!  Beautiful Riesling to match too.
• STING!!!  I had the immense pleasure of seeing Sting perform live with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra (part of his ‘Symphonicities’ tour) under a starry sky during the Barossa Food and Wine festival.  Now I can cross that off my bucket list ^_^
• Botanic Gardens.  I was extremely upset that morning about how things were going at home and didn’t want to be alone.  One phone call to Ben and within an hour he was out of his PJ’s, catching the train down to meet me.  Saw crying, messy me and took me in his arms to let every frustration and hurt out.
• Being reunited with Tristan.  I can’t believe we managed to go a year without talking because of a stupid fight. I learned how to have a real, honest and deep friendship with him by accepting how different we are and appreciating who he is.  He is one of my dearest friends.
• My first date.  Because hey, I’m going to call it as it was.  The first time I held my beloved’s hand and opened my heart.  I remember everything down to what we ate (or didn’t eat, since I was so nervous that I couldn’t bring myself to put anything in my mouth) and wore, how nice he smelt and looked.  How cold it got at night, how peaceful the beach was.  How close and tenderly he held me.  His kind and sincere words.  It was the first time the person I liked actually liked me back.
• I knew the high I felt was too good to last because the tension at home was just unbearable and with the possibility of moving interstate I had to end it with him.  Actually, that didn’t hurt as much as finding out that in merely weeks he managed to find a girlfriend and he had been dating her for a month.  Hey, we’re not children and don’t need permission or validation when it comes to any decisions we make.  But we’re friends and I just wish he didn’t wait so long to tell me.  Actually it was pretty terrible because I had to find out from someone else—who found out from someone else—before he told me himself.  Not your brightest hour, dude.
• Jogging with Tristan the day after not-so-great news.  Not my brightest hour either.  There was so much screaming and running and crying and venting.  All in the hope of moving forward after heartbreak mentioned above.  But I did appreciate my best friend talking me through my messy thoughts while running in a dark oval on a cold night.
• My first adult conversation after said heartbreak.  Still was not in the best state of mind but we got out what we both needed to say.  Suffice it to say I was still upset and a little hurt.  However I think the break up that happened a week after was karma enough for him.  I also didn’t want to waste the little time we had left to hang out being weird and mad.  Our friendship was different but worlds better and deeper because we got that out of the way.
• Telling my friends we were moving interstate.  The variety of reactions could quite easily make a hilarious movie montage.  The hardest to sit through were with my best friends; where they were really quiet or could only repeat ‘you’re really moving to Melbourne? how can we meet up now when I’m upset?’  I was quite heartbroken about the fact that I won’t be having proper haircuts anymore from my best friend’s mum, Joh.
• Having my Yikes face published on London Elektricity’s page.  Ace!
• Blackwood site visit for Design Studio 3.  It was absolutely beautiful at Shangri-La.  Their 80-year-old vines had the sweetest and most delicious grapes I had ever tasted.
• Hot Glass Techniques and Processes.  My glassblowing elective.  I certainly had the most interesting elective in 2nd year architecture (actually, not true, my friend Matt was able to do awesome stuff with Solidworks in his Multimedia course).  I can successfully blow animals, goblets and various other vessels out of hot glass.  I even met a heap of interesting, cool cats in the Visual Arts courses.  Worked with a famous glassblowing artist!  And because I know I’m going to be at Monash Caulfield next year, I could possibly do a similar elective ;)
• Melbourne Road Trip.  Our scouting trip.  We looked at houses, schools, hung out with our very close Filipino friends…well, more like family now.  Got used to the different energy and atmosphere.  It was tiring but so much fun!
• Saying goodbye to Adelaide.  Pulling out of uni (it was weird calling myself a college drop out).  Having the picnic in the park with my friends for the last time.  Packing the house up with an exhausted and heavy heart.  Catching the 200 home from work one last time.  Hitting the road for two days with my grandparents in tow.  It was a necessary but excruciating process.  I thought I’d be used to it already after having lived in so many places but it gets harder and harder.
• Moving in to the new house.  It was a lot larger than it looked in the pictures.  And if you didn’t already hear from previous posts, I love it because I have a pretty rad view of the city from my room.
• Love Never Dies.  It was my first full-fledged musical theatre show in Melbourne and I saw it with my wonderful grandmother.  No words.  Just…if they’re touring and you get a chance to see the show, take it!
• My first official date.  Granted it was a group date where we made pizza together and talked but it was the first one where I was properly asked by a brother who went the whole nine yards.  Picked me up from the house, opened doors, pulled my seat, helped clean up.  It was a bizarre new experience but I had a great time.
• Hanging out with the interns from America.  They are an awesome bunch of spiritual young folks with great hearts.  I had an amazing time getting to know them and have Bible studies with them.
• Date number two. This was absolutely hilarious.  I was asked by a younger brother who picked me knowing we had to do something artistic.  I was flattered that he was more confident about my creative skills than I was.  But he is very mature and understanding.  Very giving and warm and funny.  I enjoyed this date too.
• Prepping for uni applications.  Stress! But an important learning curve.  I became more confident in my projects and experience.  Completely necessary to go through :)
• Campus Friday Nights. We’ve had everything from a baptism (yay for Jarryd!), chocolate fountain party, Signs (man were we addicted to that game), karaoke, eating 4 litres of vanilla ice cream with chocolate and caramel sauce and sprinkles, netball and indoor soccer with the singles.  We’re a little wild, us Melbourne campus peeps.  I’m looking forward to Go-Karting, badminton and laser skirmish next year xD
• Getting the job at L’Occitane!  It was so weird because I felt like I was already being interviewed when I met our manager for the first time.  Job was heaven sent, despite being insanely busy during the Christmas season.  Hey, at least we get freebies and really good pay :3
• Phone calls.  My gosh, I seriously didn’t think about how often I’d be on the phone to people back in Rads.  However, I love it and look forward to surprise phone calls from my best buds.  It’s weird but I became a whole lot closer to Jon over the phone xD maybe it’s because we didn’t have hang ups anymore.
• Mail!  I love sending and getting things in the mail.  Orders from Etsy.  Sending presents to friends.  Having pen pals.  I’m so old fashioned xD
• Taking part of the architecture and design walk in the city.  No words describe the moment you see the Adelphi Hotel’s swimming pool in person after only seeing it in uni lecture slides.
• My first pursuer.  I can’t even—I just don’t.  I don’t actually have words.  Except that, flattering as it is, I cannot let it get too far.  I just don’t care for him the same way that he does for me and I don’t want him using up his precious time, energy and love for someone who isn’t ready or receptive.  I know what it’s like to be in his shoes and honestly it’s the most painful place to be.  Hilarious for my friends, extremely awkward for me.
• My 21st, 1950’s themed party. I had very dedicated friends from Radelaide fly over for the weekend to celebrate.  The brothers dressed up super nice.  I had people send me lovely things in the mail, call me up to see how I’ve been and greet me.  I felt truly beautiful and loved.
• Finding out I got an offer to study Interior Architecture at Monash University.  And that I was qualified for the Interior Design course at RMIT.  Whoa.  Just…whoa!
• Survived the insanity of Chadstone’s annual 36-hour Christmas trade.  I cannot for the lifeof me understand the need to have the malls opened a full 36 hours non-stop.  Worked 12 hours on the 23rd and 5 on the 24th before heading to the Pinoy Noche Buena.  Needless to say, I was glad we were doing nothing on Christmas Day because I was bummed out after having worked every day for over a month.  Funniest family gift-giving session ever.  Opened my present from mom and dad to find a nerf gun.  Fernan had in his hands a hairdryer, straightener and curling iron and Emil had a Nigella cook book.  Good one, parents, good one!
• Survived my first Chadstone Boxing Day sales.  I don’t think I was really concious throughout the ordeal though xD  But it wasn’t as bad as I imagined in my head.
• Dyed my hair red! Granted it’s a stubborn little thing so it still looks black but depending on which light I stand under, you can see that it’s reddish orange-ish brown ^_^ Huzzah! I’m going to try for more obvious red in three months so I don’t kill my hair from the dyes.

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Well, I’m off to see the fireworks in the city from my room with my family (sans Dad who unfortunately has to work :P).  Thank you so much for interacting on this blog; the likes, reblogs, comments.  Even all you anonymous readers that only drop by every so often.  Thank you again for allowing me a space to be myself.  I hope you have a safe and wonderful start to 2012 and that God continues to comfort, love, encourage, support and bless you all!

♥

Absolute fact of the matter.   They are most definitely not a substitute for having face-to-face interactions (hey you know me and my sometimes old fashioned ways).  But for me, who has to deal with long distance communication with friends, phone calls are life savers.  Just hearing their voices gives me this feeling that they’re not as far as I feel sometimes.  I can catch up, laugh, forget, solve problems, dream, philosophise and reminisce for a period of time with the people I love.  After I hang up I feel the most wonderful release.

Which is probably why I spent just over two hours on the phone—record time as I believe I have never been on the phone for that long in six years—with Jon, a couple of nights ago.  I am so glad we weren’t charged for that call :S In hindsight I probably should have worn earphones because I may have increased my chances of getting brain tumour having the phone pressed to my head for that long :P  Health risks aside, it was one of the most refreshing conversations I have had this week, and ever had with him.  I appreciated how open he was about everything and how he wasn’t afraid to dive into pretty deep conversation.

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(via Chelsea Alexandra)

I haven’t actually had that much trouble falling asleep, per se, however I feel that after several things were brought to my attention again—things I’ve needed to unload—no more procrastinating.  Some of them are related to each other, explicitly or indirectly, some are nowhere close.  Basically it’s an attempt at reflection when my mind is buzzing but my body is begging to surrender to sleep.

I had a Bible study today with an amazing girl.  It was the third one and we started looking at sin.  It was good to know where she was in terms of knowing what’s right and wrong according to God’s Word.  It was also good for me because it was a humbling reminder of my imperfections.  I was scared of the kind of things we were going to talk about because usually these are the intense, long studies where people start to really wrestle with God.  Also for the last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling to kick a terrible, lustful habit that was preventing me from being closer to God.

Several things were happening in my mind.  I was being confronted again with the need to treat sin as the brick wall I need to knock down between me and God.  That there are definitely things that I will struggle to prevent from returning; flaws in my character.  I also had a moment where I entertained some mighty scary thoughts to do with seeing my salvation and God’s forgiveness as only valid before I get baptised.  In addition, during discussion, I felt like I needed to be…perfect, clean, already after I got baptised.  That I should have changed and shouldn’t still be struggling about these things.

Of course I know these things aren’t true.  I know that I will not be perfect until Jesus comes back (sanctification).  I will still struggle with these things—there are times when I will be strongly indignant about it and times when I let it slide.  However I also know that because I love God and to show him my gratitude I should work harder to eradicate these struggles.  I know that I have been saved—period.  For anything I’ve done, I’m doing and will do.  I know that these self-doubts are terrible, that they are preventing me from forgiving myself and focusing on the good things I could be doing.  From fully being honest with God and giving myself to Him now.

—-

That aside, my heart was affected in a deeply positive way by two things that happened very recently.  Yesterday my brother gave my mother the greatest, most mature advice.  It is just amazing that an 11 year old has so much wisdom and understanding, all completely from his own convictions and experience.  So much sincerity and hope he had on God and firmly but kindly reminded her that her Father is in control, that He will fix stuff ups and that she should be able to make a move/make a decision based on that knowledge.  Basically he told her that God’s got her back even if her career move doesn’t work out.  I just couldn’t believe how much he understood, even drawing on his personal experience for advice.

Financially we are struggling.  Mom and Dad were spending some time in the morning to themselves as Dad is often busy with work.  They were talking about how to celebrate mom’s birthday.  Dad felt terrible that we had spent so much on his gifts and Mom didn’t mind not getting anything fancy for her birthday.  Dad looked at Mom, saying gently, “what makes my birthday and father’s day more special than yours?”  When she told me this story she cracked, taking me down with her in tears.  She felt for the first time in a very long time that he truly loved her, that he wanted to put her first.  She said that even if that is all that she would get for her birthday, it was enough, secure in the fact that he loves her and only wants her to be happy.  It was a small, simple moment, different from the other public displays of affection and love, that made me truly believe in my mother and father’s love for each other.  This was a breakthrough, considering the agony they went through in the last 10 months in their marriage.  It showed me that people can do 180 degree turns.  Both of them did and so can I.

—-

It’s amazing how inderectly a memory can return to you, along with the emotions that accompanied it.  Through the most mundane things.  I was filling up the ice cube tray earlier whilst on dish duty and suddenly remembered an outing with him.  I helped him with a bit of Christmas shopping for his family and we wanted to catch up before being separated by the holidays.  We were at a homewares and giftwares store.  Just before the doors going out was a display table showing stone cubes that could be chilled or warmed then added to a drink.  Usually ice water cubes affect the taste and purity of the drink so this was a pretty good idea.  He told me it would be a neat gift to someone in the office.

It’s so bizarre.  It was nine months ago.  The memory of the entire day was so vivid.  The ginger drink I nearly choked to death on, triapsing through stores in the city to track down a rare piece of vinyl.  I remember I even came late for the first time to work.  Down to the way I felt when I was with him.

For a brief moment I felt my heart seize with longing and sadness at how quickly it all changed.  That I took the moments I was with him for granted, always assuming we had ‘next time’.  And then, miraculously, instead of wallowing I smiled, giving myself the ounce of strength needed to remember that the lesson I learned, being with him, will come in handy one day.

He was never bad or ill meaning.  We just didn’t fit where it really mattered.  And if I was really honest, I wasn’t ready.  God protected me from myself.  Because I put myself in a situation where, if the man I loved didn’t have morals and a kind, patient heart like he did, I would have been taken advantage of.  Yes, he has a responsibility but so do I.

Relationships.  Sticky but worth it, I believe.

—-

Anyway, I’m not surprised it’s such a late end to the day again.  I’m pretty pysched for tomorrow.  It’s Mom’s birthday and I’m diving into working on my portfolio again.  Thank you for your eyes and patience, dears.

♥

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!’

~ C.S. Lewis

So, a couple of nights ago my best friend and I decided to have a chat.  It had been weeks since we committed the crime of tying up the phone lines just to catch up on what’s been happening.  We updated each other on life changes, easily slipping into deeper conversation as if we weren’t separated by 8-10 hours of interstate car travel.

I’m sure I’ve said this a million times here but I can never quite find someone I can have the same kind of relationship as I do with Ben.  It’s pretty strange that all this time I just assumed I’ve already talked about him here.

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Hiya!

You all are probably used to the apologies by now but I will say again how sorry I am that I can’t seem to be organised enough to find an hour or two a week to write an update, unload some thoughts or queue some posts on here.  You’d think that with no work or uni I’d have more time :P

I still have quite a bit to get used to in a new city and state.  You won’t believe how much I still miss Adelaide.  I can still vividly remember the houses and trees along the route that the 200 bus takes to and from the city.  My favourite hideaways in the city, the buildings, the parks, the beautiful and expansive beaches, minimal noise, peacefulness in the foothills, being able to see the stars at night and the stunning sunsets from my backyard, the rolling wineries, even bumping into people you know in unexpected places.  What didn’t surprise me was the fact that I missed the security of having a steady income as well as being a part of a program in uni.

Here I’m not even sure which university I will end up in.  I don’t know where I’ll be working, how easy it will be to juggle that alongside study.  How travelling to different places will be like (also how expensive :S).  And then of course, church commitments: Sunday services, bible studies and discussions, campus hang outs, devotionals. I was freaking out at the amount of preparation I have to do for my uni applications and felt insecure about the amount of talent and experience I had.

This week, however, my heart’s in a different place.  I know that spending time with elders, getting help and counselling from more mature Christians, sitting through a Bible study and focusing on God’s word, really made a difference to how I feel.  I’m not flustered or worried about the amount of work I have to do study-wise.  I’m more open to being involved in Bible studies, though I have little ‘training’ or experience (which was an insecurity of mine from the beginning), knowing in time I will learn what I need to know and gain the confidence to share with someone the reason for my faith.  I’m not worried about work because God will put me and my brother where we need to be, where it will work alongside our studies later, and how it will help sustain our family. 

All I have to remember is that He is the most important thing in my life, that He will always be there, that He loves me—plain, simply but unconditionally.  And when things get confusing, that’s all I need to remember.  To trust Him when I’m unsure about so many things.  To obey Him even if I don’t understand.  To talk to Him always, run to Him first when things go wrong or when I need wisdom because He won’t hold back on that.

♥

She sighed deeply and closed her eyes.  For a moment the night air was still but cold.  In the distance the sound of the city, the dull blue streetlights.  Inches above her face was his mouth, kissing her hair, breathing her in.  One arm tightly wrapped around her waist, the other hand gently rubbing her back, her shoulders, to keep her warm.  She opened her eyes to peek into his, surprised to find sincere happiness, and then felt it.  The moment every single person who has ever been loved before has felt.  Time stop.  Silence fall.  Stillness.  Peace.  A squeeze in her heart.  But different—a good kind of tightness.  A reminder that this was real.

The wind picked up and blew around them the leaves of fall.  She had never been this close to him before, feeling the warmth of his skin on hers.  She could not believe her breathing could change so much just because he caressed her face just so, held her gaze with so much tenderness and care.  Weakness crawled to her stomach and knees.  She was grateful he was holding her or she would have crumbled.  She buried her face into his chest, listening to his heart beat.  How easily they seemed to fit.  How safe he made her feel.  Again she turned to him and saw the same heart melting gaze.

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FINALLY.
Some time to sit down and mull things over…it’s been crazy, let me tell you. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m about to do. With much difficulty because I don’t exactly know how to start and my mind’s a bit weary from processing simple day to day activities in a new environment. Also, I believe I will get pretty emotional as I process everything in my head and for the last couple of nights I haven’t had the heart or energy for it.

It’s been a little over a week since we finally arrived in Melbourne. We did the typical: moved furniture in, unpacked boxes, got the house to a liveable, usable stage. Actually, it was pretty amazing because we already had a phone line and connection to the Internet in just two days :) Even our TV was set up in no time, meaning we could catch up on Masterchef. Our mail was already redirected. I dropped out of my program three weeks ago, which was a lot easier than I thought :S (it scares me a little when things happen too quickly or easily—like there’s some hidden catch). To my surprise, I passed the dreaded Studio 3 course and did very well with glassblowing and des comm.  

The house is lovely. More than enough room for all of us. My room has a view of the city—not quite like the one above but still great. We’re two blocks from the train station and bus stop. Walking distance from a huge cluster of shops. Close to many friends.  What an amazing blessing this was. God made it easy for us to transition into a new home and environment. How He truly loves us.

I have spent the last couple of days with the brothers and sisters of the campus ministry in Melbourne and with the visiting campus disciples from Hampton Roads Church of Christ in Virginia. It was the encouragement and support I had so missed while living in Adelaide. They were so quick to make us a part of the family again. Yet another blessing to be part of their contagious energy and zest for life and living out God’s plan.

Lately, at times, I would dread being alone with my thoughts. The move becomes more painfully real, not necessarily because of the new culture or environment but because I realise that it isn’t as simple to see my Rads friends now as it was before. I would have to drive 8 hours (or take an hour flight) to be with them.

The pain is strange. It’s a letting-go kind where bit by bit your relationships with certain people evolve because of distance.  That as you deal with the distance, they have to as well and they cannot be as involved with your life (and vice versa). I have this terrible fear that there will be neglect. I don’t want them to think that I don’t love or care for them anymore because circumstances changed. I just…don’t know how to do that exactly—I don’t know if I can fully prevent it either. People did it to me before and it was a terrible feeling. I’m sure they didn’t mean it but that’s the nature of life. I guess with time I can figure it out.

It’s been a surreal month. I felt like I’ve lived years in only three weeks. Like the last few weeks in Adelaide was a painful dream as opposed to a memory—because somehow my body and mind cannot process the tumult of emotions. And I’m straining to get used to Melbourne becoming my new reality. Where it’s not as easy to get from point A to B, where I don’t feel as different because I’m Asian, where there are so many people, so much traffic, such a big place to get lost in. I still feel like I’m simply on a long holiday with a house and any moment I’m going back ‘home’ to Adelaide. Quiet, laid back nights, beautiful weather (it’s been constantly cold and raining here), familiar places and people.

I figured, at least for me, transition stages are the hardest. No longer in one place that contains people you love and working to make a new place your home. I feel weakest and least myself in these situations. I think I change a lot during those times. And I also believe that if I don’t bravely face situations like this with an open heart then I will feel even more uprooted and lost.

To be honest, I’m absolutely terrified of the next 8 months. I won’t be following a familiar pattern; move, study, work or the like. I will be responsible for how I move my life, yes with God’s help but also largely my responsibility. All depending on how close my relationship with God becomes. Depending on my priorities and how much I trust in God.

It’s funny. I always thought before that my life will be relatively straight forward. But some small part of me knew, surely, because of the adventures I had before, I couldn’t possibly expect to be on a straightforward path. Especially because I chose, 5 years ago, to give my life over to God. I haven’t signed up to a comfortable, safe life as most people have been constantly reminding me. A practicing Christian’s life is fraught with unpredictability—God’s way of teaching us to trust in him—and sacrifice. So I’m supposed to expect this xD I’ve learned not to be afraid of what has passed, of the fact that we’ve taken twists and turns that take us out of something familiar. Hopefully I will build the faith to trust in the future God has mapped out for me, for all of us.

Good night my dears, thank you for your patience with me. Here’s to the next couple of months and years of a new adventure.

♥

(Source: seriocomic.com)

I am absolutely exhausted.  I had a pretty long day.  Productive but tiring.  I dropped out of my course, ran some errands, worked and helped my mom sort through her clothing.

I’m so tired I am just about ready to crawl into bed.  But I haven’t packed my overnight bag, haven’t finished what I planned for Saturday when I see my friends again, haven’t put my little knick knacks and jewellery into cases.  Packers are coming tomorrow to put our things away into boxes for us, which takes a bit of the stress off.  Movers come Monday to take the furniture away.

I’m just about to take my posters and pictures down, which I’m bracing myself for because suddenly my room won’t feel like my room anymore.  I think a part of my is still in denial about the fact that we’re moving.  It will be pretty heart breaking.  Maybe the fact that I’m moving will finally feel real to me.

Tomorrow’s my last shift.  It will be bittersweet but I plan to go out with a bang :)  I am going to miss being with the old folks, working with awesome carers and tea staff.  My first job was an absolute blessing and I will always be grateful for what it taught me and provided me.

*sigh* No more room to procrastinate.  I’m not sure when I will be able to access a computer with Internet again for a couple of days so I’ve queued some things for you lovely people.  Stay safe and I’ll update you soon.

xoxo

I found some Macedonian songs in my iTunes library.  Slightly bewildering and awesome.  I love these songs.  I can’t believe they’re not in my iPod.  If you’re curious, ask me about the funny story as to why I have them ;D

_____

Hiya folks!  Apologies yet again for disappearing for weeks without any kind of update besides music and lyrics.  It’s been…exhausting, for want of a better word.  I’ve just spent the entire weekend sifting through boxes of books, stacks of clothing, piles of receipts, bills and other confidential information to toss into the skip we’ve rented for the weekend.  Getting rid of the junk in time for the packers to come in just two weeks to put everything we’re taking with us to our new home in Victoria in boxes.  I’ve had zilch free time and have only left the house to go to work for the last 4 days.

*sigh*

The joys of moving again.  Correction, the joys of cramming a huge move in just three weeks.  Let me tell you—if I finally find the words to describe how I’m feeling I will let you know.

Going through my old stuff was funny.  I saw things I’m embarrassed to admit in person I owned at some point (ie. an entire folder of Josh Groban clippings from magazines and newspapers, information, photos, etc.—twas at the height of my Grobanite obsession).  I found tons of past high school work I got really good marks for, pictures I hadn’t seen in years that brought back many memories.  It’s amazing what we managed to keep for so long.  I had to be pretty brutal with some things; take a deep breath and throw it in the skip.  I kept reminding myself that I didn’t actually need three quarters of that stuff—I managed to go for so long without seeing/using most of them.  I am, however, glad that I managed to accomplish so much as well as help my mom, who is feeling extremely stressed and overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things that have yet to be done.

We had our church farewell lunch today.  We were all trying to stop ourselves from thinking about the fact that we were going in two weeks (knowing we’d all just burst into tears) and weren’t quite sure when we would be together again as a group so we just talked as if we were never leaving and took many photos.  People we had not seen in a while were there too, which was encouraging.

I think I’m still suppressing a lot of stuff and I’m not quite sure when it will just come out, which scares me a little.  My mind’s pushed the sadness and fear of the unknown to the back of my head.  I’m constantly assuring myself that it will be exciting, that I will be fine and I can do it.  But if I was really honest with myself, I will be pretty broken on Saturday when I have to say good-bye to my friends.  I’m still scared of how things will fit together.

It’s not so much that I’m still hanging on to many things here.  It’s a strange stage I feel I’m in. We’re set on moving.  We’re looking forward.  But we’re not quite there yet.  This is the tying-up-loose-ends stage where we’re saying goodbye, getting ready to go.  We’re just about uprooted and we still have to be transported and plonked into a completely different environment.

I’m scared because I feel even more vulnerable and fragile now.  I already felt like my life was a mess before we even considered this move, what more now when I’m pretty much out in the open.  Like I’m stuck between two places; haven’t quite left this home behind, haven’t moved into the new one.  I felt spiritually weak before, I’m scared of what I will be like soon if something in me doesn’t change.

But this is where I know I have to pick up my sword and be even braver.  Just make it over the line and once I’m there, get the help I need to find the strength I lost.  Remind myself that I am not alone, that I need to have faith in God’s power to work in my heart, that this is His will and He will make it happen in His terms and His time.  He is always here.  Always willing to listen, to provide strength when I can’t take it.

One day the memories I collected from the six years I lived here won’t be so hard to reminisce about.  One day it won’t hurt to remember that I fell in love with someone special here; that our paths crossed to teach me many important lessons.  One day it will make me smile remembering the crazy things my best friends and I did.  One day I will happily recount the times when performing gave me great joy and connected me to a different part of myself.  One day I’ll be telling people how awesome it was to work in a nursing home, getting to know old folks and serving them dinner.  One day I will shake my head and remember to really deal with my study issues so I (a) won’t be having many 24 hour submission days (b) will be more confident with my ideas and execution of them.

And soon I will be able to embrace the new world I am moving forward into.  With a stronger relationship with God and an open heart I can appreciate the good and bad things that happened, be thankful for them, and continue to learn to truly care for and love the people here and the people I have yet to meet.

One day soon…

♥

(Source: bldgblog.blogspot.com)

Due to a combination of unwittingly crashing on the couch after dinner and playing some DnB whilst doing the dishes, I have been overstimulated.  My body is too tired for me to be starting any kind of homework but my mind is wide awake.  So results this ramblog to empty this full brain of mine.

I’ve had a pretty tough two weeks.  No one should go through that kind of emotional roller coaster ride—it’s just not funny when you’ve got so much uni homework to focus on.  I can’t remember the last time I was happy simply because I liked exactly where I was.  Scary.

I don’t know if you can relate but I can feel myself getting more and more…lost.  Unfortunately I can’t quite describe how specific this kind of ‘lost’ is.  I guess part of it is feeling like I’m disappearing in the craziness of my current life situation—many changes happening all too quickly.  I think part of it is due to suddenly being so unsure about decisions I made in the past (therefore making it hard for me to come to terms with what I’ve so far made of myself), unsure of how I am to tackle future decisions.

I know a huge part of this feeling that I’m blowing in the wind with no direction is the fact that I’m facing a wintry part of my spiritual walk, and it doesn’t help that Adelaide-an weather matches it perfectly.  I’ve neglected so much my relationship with God, which is greatly affecting my heart and attitudes in a negative way.  I’ve never felt so demotivated and hopeless.  The once raging fire in my spirit is now merely a small naked flame, wavering dangerously close to the point of being snuffed out at the slightest puff of wind.

If I allow myself to be completely honest, I am struggling to get back up on my feet after having my confidence and belief in myself knocked down.  I think it also scares me that after this semester I will have months of no actual ‘work’ to do, which will leave me with thoughts that have yet to find peace.  I realised that I’m the kind of person that needs to really tie up loose ends before I can exhale and move on.

Life’s unforgiving though.  It doesn’t give you enough time to get your act together, or get your thoughts in order.  So you trick yourself into thinking you’ve sorted something out—or tell yourself you’ll have time to deal with it later—then more stuff gets piled on top of it.  Then out of nowhere, in the most unexpected places, you get an attack of pain or sadness and you have this sudden urge to fall into a heap in one corner and cry.  I still feel like I haven’t really let out the fear, anger and hurts that I hurried to push aside in the name of moving on.  Why linger? It’s no longer an issue.

Thing is, even if we tell ourselves we can move on—and should—a part of ourselves had a connection to the things that happened before, making it difficult to just dismiss what happened and leave it in the past.  At least I am having a hard time doing it.

I’ve even given up on romantic relationships—at least for the time being.  There’s only so much of this strange pattern I can take.  I didn’t realise that each experience that came one after the other, leaving me no room to breathe, has affected my ability to love as well as my hope in finding and working on a God-driven love.  I think what’s painful about this pattern is I seem to always be a safe, side alternative.  Guys can get as close to me as they can, knowing that I have thrown my whole heart into our friendship so I will completely understand if they decide they want someone else.

I’m not blaming them at all—hey if they don’t love me I can’t force them—and in no way do I want them to fix things.  Leave glass broken or you’ll hurt yourself trying to put it back together.  It just hurt when I realised that every one of them knew I loved them (because I’ve said it or they demanded to know) but did not reciprocate the love.  I didn’t realise that it was so important for me to hear them say it, and believe them.  I now have a hard time believing a guy sincerely loves me without thinking they want something or got something before they opened up to me.

The reason why I love Kate Winslet’s character in “The Holiday” is because I can totally understand what she’s feeling.  I wish someone picked me because they genuinely cared for me.  Not because I just happened to be another lonely person who was there, not because they were flattered by the attention I was giving them, not because I am a safe alternative.  In no way am I wanting pity.  I don’t want to go back and know that because of how things have changed it is impossible.  God changed the nature of my relationships with these guys for a reason—mom thinks it’s to protect me, which I also believe.  I don’t want to give up hope that one day someone will actually choose me out of their own free will.  Because somewhere in my strange, complex and broken being I am worth loving…I am enough.

Kerri told me that it will take time for me to get everything I’m feeling in order.  That I won’t really be able to accept and give any love in the future if I don’t allow time to work on my heart.  I believe this to be true as well.  So I’m not going to rush this.  I will simply get back to the most important relationship that I have neglected because life took some unexpected turns, which is my relationship with God.

I read this really funny quote, which will come up in a queued post soon:

Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor in the morning, the Devil says, “Oh no, she’s up.”

With God by my side I know I have that power and strength.  I don’t want my actions, my attitudes, my heart to be driven by my situations but rather what God wants.  I’m not as unsure as I think I am.  It’s just Satan throwing chaos at me to confuse me.  I have peace in God.  I have His love and protection.  I have His forgiveness, grace and mercy.  I have everything I need to fight to stay focused.

Alas, I’ve finally wound down.  Exciting days ahead.  Cleaning up to have my grandparents over for the next three months.  They’re moving to Melbourne with us (see why I’m panicking a little from the chaos that will soon take place?).  I think I might scare them a little bit because they will see me at my absolute stressful point during the semester.

*sigh* One day at a time, Patricia…

♥