9 - Something you learned about yourself recently

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I felt it appropriate to answer this on the very last day of 2011, simply because in remembering all the things I’ve learned about myself, I also remember the experiences that brought about these lessons and changes.

I learned that I have endurance.  That if I push myself really hard, I can actually get something done.  Granted the victories are often with something small and the not-so-great accomplishments with the big things (because of poor planning) but with the agony I went through learning not to procrastinate, I’m sure that next year I will be better.

I learned that I am still very weak in one particular area spiritually and that the only way I can gradually overcome the paralyzing guilt that this brings is to focus my energy on running towards God as opposed to away every time I slip up.

I am learning to assert myself.  I am learning how to place boundaries, to say no with maturity and respect.  Granted I still have a long way to go in this area but it used to kill me to say ‘no’ because I felt I was letting people down.  But the whole point of my life isn’t to please other people, it’s to please God.  Hey, if they’re disappointed, then I can’t do anything.  I can’t change the way people think about me or about a situation.   I can affect how I act and think, however, and that is more important.  As long as it’s spiritually driven action and thought, I can and will stand by it.

I learned to actually love and accept myself.  Everything from the thick and sometimes unmanageable hair (which refuses, short of being bleached, to go dark red after dyeing), poor eyesight, problematic skin, uneven teeth, fitness-challenged body and huge feet that won’t fit into shoes I want to wear.  Part of this is because I chose to believe what the guys who liked me told me every time: that they genuinely appreciated how I looked as well as who I was on the inside.  Granted my friendship with these guys had to go a lot deeper for this to happen. However, prior to this I always simply believed that I was only liked because of what I could give, what I said, my background (which had nothing to do with me, really).  Man, is it so hard for us girls to believe that we are desirable and desired by guys because of how we look as well as our hearts, no matter what flaws we see in ourselves?

Part of this belief came from my security in God.  Me believing that God loves me no matter how I look and what I do.  And knowing the most important being in your life loves you no more or less, despite knowing your dark side as well as what other people see, is an unbelievably powerful thing.  So I’ve had more fun dressing up because I dress how I felt on the inside, which is happy, playful and free.  Not trendy? Even better.  I’d rather be comfortable than second-guess or be self-concious.  Indulgent as it sounds, I dress more for myself and God and I’m hoping that if I end up in a relationship this doesn’t change.

Speaking of relationships, I learned that at this point, I really don’t want to be in one. The most important reasons have to do with myself.  I have yet to get a grip on self-control, which means if I’m insanely attracted to the guy, I don’t yet know how I’ll hold myself back physically (seriously didn’t see that coming myself—didn’t know I was quite passionate until I came a hair’s breadth away from a kiss and it was only by God’s grace that I managed to hold back, no matter how much I loved the guy).  I don’t want to do something regretful and I certainly don’t want him to struggle physically.  

I also believe that there are still many things I need to put together in my life.  I need to at least be able to drive, to be slightly more independent.  To finish my Bachelor’s degree; a relationship won’t help me focus at all.  If I learned anything from the last one, it’s that I can get a little out of control with time management.  Being in love can be like a drug in that you get addicted to feeling so good that you obsess over the person and the relationship.  I don’t want that to happen.

I want to have God in the middle.  I don’t want to be putting this person on a pedestal and obsess over him.  I heard that’s not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.  I want to be even more secure in myself, in my relationship with God, before adding another person to love in my life.

And—I can’t believe I’m actually saying this—I can’t yet picture myself in a real relationship.  One where you turn down plans because you’ve got a boyfriend to hang out with after work or studio, a man to go on dates to the movies or to a restaurant with, one you’ll be annoyed with so you talk to your girlfriends about him on a not so good day.  I’m actually enjoying being single and I cannot bring myself to think about saying I’m already taken just yet.  Weird, huh? I always thought I’d be ready to be committed; tied to one person.  I guess because once I’m ready to tie myself to someone else in a relationship, I’m hoping it’ll be for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to be looking around.  Serial dating isn’t in the slightest way appealing to me so I’d only be willing to change my Facebook relationship status for the guy I know I could picture myself marrying.  So in the mean time I will enjoy my guy friendships and somewhere down the line—when God knows I’m ready—I’ll meet him.  Gosh, I’m so old fashioned xD

♥