I’m restless, even if I always have something to do.  Indeed I have been happily busying myself with getting my portfolios and requirements ready to submit to various universities I’ve applied for.  But for the last couple of days, I’ve felt this terrible numbness in my heart.  Due to having had more time to reflect, I realised that this numbness came from the feeling that I just don’t belong anywhere.

My heart aches for something familiar.  It wants to go back to where I was six months ago.  It’s terrible because sometimes I want to be back there, despite the conflict in our family and the stress of uni as well as work.  At least I was used to the routine, the places; at least I had people I could talk to openly about everything.  I had more than a handful of people I could spend an afternoon and truly be myself with.  But I can’t go back there, I’ve already moved forward.  The friendships, while strong, will be different.

I don’t belong here, yet.  I have a big church and many friends who have been nothing but warm, kind and loving to me.  I live in a beautiful house, so close to conveniences.  I’m not studying, not working so I have so much free time to recuperate.  But I feel so…trapped.  Like I’m surrounded by strangers and I’m struggling to accept this new direction in life, which doesn’t surprise me.  I guess I didn’t anticipate how long it would take and how much it would affect me.

I feel like so much has been held in and though I have so many people around me, never have I felt so alone.  You’d think with Christians you’d always have someone you could turn to who will patiently and lovingly help you.  I have not felt comfortable enough to really open up to anyone besides my parents and my brothers.  I always thought I was pretty open but I realised that I’m a mighty private person (bit of a contradiction because this isn’t exactly a private line). 

My best friend told me that I should stop hiding so much of what I feel inside and I didn’t believe him.  I even got angry that he thought I wasn’t open enough, though we were meant to be close.  Maybe I used to be an open book…and somwhere along the track I managed to build a pretty strong wall between me and other people.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still pretty open.  It’s easy to get to know me on a mighty superficial level.  With the things that matter, I’ve managed to subconsciouly keep that tucked away—and I know it’s so that I (a) won’t be judged and (b) won’t be hurt.  Isn’t that always the way?

I know I should give it time, give people a chance.  It’s only been three or so months.  I didn’t become best friends with the people I love overnight.  I guess…I expected it to happen faster because we’re supposed to have God in common.  I thought immediately that I would feel some kind of security or closeness.  I’m so selfish and naive like that sometimes -_-” My life isn’t a fictional work and the waiting and working through unfortunately isn’t edited out.

I guess I’m just upset that nothing feels familiar, that nothing feels like home.  Restlessness is definitely the word for it. I’m not worried or overly stressed.  Not entirely content but not unhappy.  And that I’m struggling to turn to God first everytime I get that feeling to help me work through it.

Anyway, throwing these thoughts into the ether, not so much to solve a problem but just so I can get it out of my head.  Usually I have my best friends on the other end of the line or across the table or next to be on the bus, listening.  Definitely should give it some time and maybe I’ll find myself, and people I can trust and love here, again.

♥